What Was I So Worried About, Again?

A lot has changed lately. I don’t see things the way I used to. “Doing something meaningful” has transformed into “trying something I enjoy.” I don’t have to “do” anything, nothing needs to be permanent. I simply need to give it a try. It doesn’t need to be “meaningful,” because nothing means anything. I may as well enjoy it.

I’ve undergone a very bizarre experience recently, one that made me embrace the concepts that I’ve always known. I’ve always known that in the vast size of life and history, whatever I do won’t mean anything. That sounds depressing, like “all efforts are futile,” but it’s actually a huge relief when you think about it in the right way. If life is meaningless, then I should be concerned about making my life as good as it can be while it lasts. I should do something wonderful with my life that I enjoy, I should build loving relationships with everyone I care about, I should create my own heaven on Earth.

None of that is going to come until I make it happen. Until I embrace facts for what they are instead of twisting them and trying to figure out what I’m not seeing. There’s nothing else there! Take people, take events, take concepts for what they are. There’s not some hidden meaning behind all of it. I was always looking for some ‘answer,’ what’s it all for? But it’s not for anything. They’re just there. Accept everything for what it is rather than what we think it means.

Right now I am committed to getting a job. That’s my first step for creating my own heaven. I used to apply to jobs thinking, “They’re not going to hire me, I’m too inexperienced, I’m too blah blah blah.” Gradually, I started applying to less and less jobs because I had myself convinced that it wasn’t going to make a difference. Why did I convince myself of that? There are probably a lot of reasons I’m having difficulty getting a job, but, first of all, I don’t know which ones are accurate, so I really shouldn’t get hung up over any one of them. And second of all, why should they stop me from trying? If I want a job, who cares what the reasons against me are? I’m trying to make my own heaven on Earth here, so if I want a job, I better damn well go and get one!

That’s only the first step, and I’m not sure what the steps after that are. I’ll figure that out when I get there. But I’m sure I’ll want something, and if at first I don’t succeed, then I better try, try again. There may be reasons it may not work, but I’ll have to ignore them. If it’s what I want, then I’m going to make it happen. It is literally that simple.

That's Fine, I Don't Care.

I am a lazy person. I am rarely interested by anything. I tend to not care about anything, and I prefer to not do anything. It’s not uncommon to not know what to do with one’s own life. But it is rather destructive in its effects: People feel insignificant, meaningless, bored, and unproductive. “What do you want to be when you grow up?” I never had an answer to that question. Or, rather, I might have had an answer for a week or two, and then changed my mind.

I expect that the root of my laziness comes from a lack of ambition, directly from not knowing what I want to do with my life or having any direction. If I have nowhere to go, why should I make any effort to get there? Because I don’t want to be here, that’s why. I don’t want to sit around forever in this meaningless, lazy depression. Although I know I don’t want to be here, that realization is not enough to get me anywhere. I want to be happy in my life; I want to have a purpose in my life. These are the extent of my life goals: Happiness and purpose. But you need purpose for happiness, and it needs to be the right purpose.

CTF

I created this a long time ago, and it can be found in other locations. But I decided to put it here because videos always seem to draw people better than words. Note that the pre-loader still says Sheepie26, because that's where it was originally posted, and that my screen name used to be Sheepie. And a final note, I don't mean to sound like I'm making excuses, but if something looks weird (e.g. the line across the middle during credits), it's because of resizing issues.

Something Quoteable.

A modest man will never speak of the size of his penis, and you will never know how big it is. A boastful man will always speak of the size of his penis, and you will still never know how big it is.

Moths

I casually kick the door, but an unobserved screen door replies louder than anticipated. I balance the pizza on the palm of my hand and reach for handle with the other. I swing open the door and hold it with my foot. I give the real door three crisp knocks. When I remove my foot, the screen door swings back, making another crashing sound.

As I wait, I stare at the moths bouncing off the round, buzzing light. Moths aren’t exactly the smartest beings on Earth, are they? They don’t even notice all the other moth bodies clumped in the bottom of the light fixture, all the moths that actually managed to get in; what evolutionary advantage possibly came by instinctively running into bright things? I suppose they would be good at getting out of tunnels: I suppose.

I look back to the door and perform the knocking maneuver on it again. What’s taking so long? Maybe this is a prank call; the porch light is on, though: I don’t know. I check a window, but all the lights are off; all I can see is my reflection: I need a haircut. It’ probably a good thing, though, if needing a haircut is the only thing I can complain about when it comes to my looks; The hair isn’t really bad looking itself either: I’m just bad at remembering to wash underneath my bangs; my forehead gets oily and it’s a prime acne spot; the hair also hides it, though, so it’s not that bad, I guess; but it’s still gross.

Heavy, frustrated air forces itself from me. This is taking way too long: I’m leaving. I start to walk down the stairs, but jump when I hear the scream of a woman from inside the house. Why did I jump? That wasn’t scary; it was surprising, but not scary. I walk back up the steps and knock on the door, telling myself this is their last chance to answer. “Hello?” I ask the door.