Shpuddabum

NOTE FROM THE AUTHOR: This is a really really really really really old story I wrote. I don't know how well it's written, because I haven't looked at it since I wrote it. But I'm sure that it is worth putting on this blog. In the future I will have more stories, in fact I already have some written, but I'm gonna see if I can get them published in a fancy magazine or something first.

If I find any other old stuff, I'll post that too. Or if my new stuff gets rejected. Then you can see that as well.

Shpuddabum, a turtle known to a small group of friends as the fastest turtle alive, was currently leading the pack of a small friendly neighborhood race. Although, "Leading the pack" implies that the pack was close behind him. Honestly, it makes more sense to say second place was leading the pack. Shpuddabum was far, far away. It only took a moment for good 'ol Shpudda' to finish the race. He spent more time waiting for the others than he spent racing.

When all the other racers finally did arrive, they were astounded by how ridiculously fast Shpuddabum was. They knew he would win, but it was how fast he was that astounded them, not his seemingly infinite winning streak.

On their way home, they passed a flyer mounted to a post. "The International Awesome Super Race of Trendyness" it said. Below that it stated; "starts in 3 minutes over there!" Nobody questioned how a flyer can tell you how much time is remaining before an event starts, but Shpudddabum's friends told him to enter. In case you've never met Shpuddabum, I'll tell you now that he is not modest.

Shpuddabum ran right over to the race leaving all his friends behind. By the time his friends got there Shpuddabum was all suited up and signed in to race.

There was still another good minute left before the race started. Not being modest, what do you expect Shpudda' does? He gloats. He boasts. He makes wagers, shouting things, "No other turtle stands a chance. If I hadn't come, then there might be a point in trying. But now, why bother? You are all doomed to lose."

Several turtles were discouraged and forfeit before it started. Many more thought they might as well try. One in particular, Frankenswish, believed he must win, even if it was not through his skill…

The final moments before the race began. An old turtle with a stick outlined the race ahead. He pointed to a brown spot on a map and said, "This is where we are. This is the land part." He then pointed to a blue spot, "this is the water section. Cross the lake here." Lastly he pointed to a green spot, "this is the hill, and it is the last of three parts. Go up the hill and come down the other side to the finish. Good luck to all!" which he obviously said without thinking about. "Good luck to all" would give everyone equal odds still, so it wouldn't really make much of a difference.

Nonetheless, Shpuddabum got ready with the other turtles at the starting line.

Frankenswish, ready next to him began to talk, "So you really think you're so fast?"

"Yup. I'll go easy on you though, so you're not so embarrassed." Shpuddabum said.

Frankenswish's mouth twitched a slight smirk. "Well I appreciate that. I'll be sure to tell the reporters I only won because the great Shpuddabum was only going easy on me."

As much as Shpuddabum wanted to stay and gloat, the green flag dropped. He was off. Everybody, including Frankenswish was rapidly a great distance behind him. He laughed to himself, as he sped away, trying to imagine the look on Frankenswish's face. However, his imagination was far off. In reality, Frankenswish had been laughing too. "Oh, I hope he likes his present" he whispered to himself.

When Shpuddabum reached the water he jumped in without hesitation. He needed all the speed he had at this point. He had been worried about this part because he's not a fantastic swimmer. He was kind of hoping his land speed would make up for that.

Shpuddabum was going as fast as he could, when he felt a hostile presence. He looked to his sides and there wasn't anything there. He didn't want to slow down to look back, but he was getting very worried very quickly.

After the fear had just about cracked him, Shpudda' finally flipped over onto his back. He was right. There was a danger. A shark was coming. His mind went blank and he stopped kicking for a moment. He was petrified before a thought finally hit him: "Why is that here?" The next thought came quickly, and was, "Maybe I should figure that out later." His third thought also came quick, but wasn't actually thought out at all, it was really more of instinct. The shark was coming closer since he had stopped, and he had to get moving. He flipped back onto his stomach and swam. He swam FAST.

Shpudda' zigzagged back and forth trying to shake the shark, but the shark didn't let up, it moved easier than he. By this point he was going backwards in the race trying to lose the shark, and he was headed strait at the other turtles. He had an idea. He continued until just before he collided with the pack. It was that moment he dove, spun under the water and went under the shark. The shark kept going forward and had lost him.

Shpuddabum resurfaced and noticed that Frankenswish was ahead of him. Shpuddabum had some work to do.

Shpudda' got to the other side of the lake, and began up the hill. Frankenswish was obviously not paying attention to him anymore. He was at the top and just starting on his way down the other side.

Shpuddabum ran as fast as he could, faster than he ever had before. He had to win. There were all sorts of reasons he would think up and say motivated him later, but at that moment, with his adrenaline pumping, Shpuddabum just wanted to win. He didn't know or care why.

When Shpuddabum got to the top of the hill, he looked down and saw Frankenswish taking his sweet time down the remaining stretch.

"Too bad for him," Shpuddabum thought. Downhill was his specialty. He had been looking forward to this moment.

Shpuddabum jumped into the air, and pulled all his limbs under his shell. He landed on his side and begun to roll down the hill. This required the utmost skill and balance; a slight mistake could cause him to fly off the hill and splat on something below.

He passed Frankenswish, and broke the ribbon. Fireworks shot into the air and Shpuddabum popped out of his shell. He began to turn to look see the expression on Frankenswish's face, but he was carried away by exited spectators and officials before he got the chance.

Later that night, Shpuddabum was having a celebration with he friends. Drinks were being passed around, and everybody was having a great time. Shpuddabum, with a drink in his hand got up on the table, with very little coordination and leaning in every which way. He shouted to everybody, slurred and slow, "SO THERE I WAS, swimming along, right? And so… the SHARK!! IT CAME AT ME." Shpuddabum fell of the table before he could continue, but everybody applauded anyway. They all knew the story by now, he had been told a good four times, getting shorter every time.

Frankenswish walked into the bar. He walked right up to Shpuddabum, as he was getting up. He looked him straight in the eye, and he said "How'd you do it?"

Shpuddabum said nothing for a moment. After a long time of what seemed like hard thinking, he said "skill."

Frankenswish was expecting a true answer, and to be spat on and dismissed angered him a great deal. He shouted out, "liar! Cheater!" He threw a punch at Shpuddabum, and had he been sober, it might have hurt. Instead he waved his arms about in a taunting way, "Hey is that all you got? Loosing the race wasn't good enough for you?"

However, before a second punch was thrown a large bouncer came up behind Frankenswish. He picked him up, his scrawny running legs dangling below him. The bouncer carried him to the door and threw him into the muddy street accompanied by a nice splat.

Shpuddabum looked eager to fight, waving his fists about, throwing air punches. He couldn't help but laugh at him though; he fell over after the door was closed. The celebration continued long into the night, and Shpuddabum was forever thought of as the fastest turtle around.