A lot has changed lately. I don’t see things the way I used to. “Doing something meaningful” has transformed into “trying something I enjoy.” I don’t have to “do” anything, nothing needs to be permanent. I simply need to give it a try. It doesn’t need to be “meaningful,” because nothing means anything. I may as well enjoy it.
I’ve undergone a very bizarre experience recently, one that made me embrace the concepts that I’ve always known. I’ve always known that in the vast size of life and history, whatever I do won’t mean anything. That sounds depressing, like “all efforts are futile,” but it’s actually a huge relief when you think about it in the right way. If life is meaningless, then I should be concerned about making my life as good as it can be while it lasts. I should do something wonderful with my life that I enjoy, I should build loving relationships with everyone I care about, I should create my own heaven on Earth.
None of that is going to come until I make it happen. Until I embrace facts for what they are instead of twisting them and trying to figure out what I’m not seeing. There’s nothing else there! Take people, take events, take concepts for what they are. There’s not some hidden meaning behind all of it. I was always looking for some ‘answer,’ what’s it all for? But it’s not for anything. They’re just there. Accept everything for what it is rather than what we think it means.
Right now I am committed to getting a job. That’s my first step for creating my own heaven. I used to apply to jobs thinking, “They’re not going to hire me, I’m too inexperienced, I’m too blah blah blah.” Gradually, I started applying to less and less jobs because I had myself convinced that it wasn’t going to make a difference. Why did I convince myself of that? There are probably a lot of reasons I’m having difficulty getting a job, but, first of all, I don’t know which ones are accurate, so I really shouldn’t get hung up over any one of them. And second of all, why should they stop me from trying? If I want a job, who cares what the reasons against me are? I’m trying to make my own heaven on Earth here, so if I want a job, I better damn well go and get one!
That’s only the first step, and I’m not sure what the steps after that are. I’ll figure that out when I get there. But I’m sure I’ll want something, and if at first I don’t succeed, then I better try, try again. There may be reasons it may not work, but I’ll have to ignore them. If it’s what I want, then I’m going to make it happen. It is literally that simple.
